If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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