I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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