just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
