It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
