I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
