chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
