did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
