i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
