I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
