Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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