I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
