I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
