I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
