Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
