fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
