you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
