he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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