I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
