Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
