apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You're like the curious george of whores
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
