Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
