Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
