I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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