Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
