if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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