I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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