I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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