I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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