Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
two words...techno handjob
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
