im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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