I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
