I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Vodka?
Forever.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
