Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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