So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
