she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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