dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
