Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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