I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sarcasm needs its own font
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
