get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
