i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
