You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Apparently you make a good broom.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
