I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
