So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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