But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
