yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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