I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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