I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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