now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
