Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
