I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
