I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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